Tiger Woods in Ireland

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote corner of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf doesn't recognise Tiger, and greets him in typical Irish fashion.

"Top of the mornin' to ya, sir," says the attendant.

Tiger, who is familiar with Irish customs, responds with, "And the rest of the day to you, sir!"

Tiger then bends forward to pick up the nozzle of the gasoline hose. As he does so, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Feckin' hell," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

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Hidden Camera

Long Legged Chick

China Wall

My Wife's New Friend

Petrol Jokes

Sardar jokes are now outdated--read some Petrol Jokes..

History (for this Black Day) will say:

When the government was robbing the country,

The Indians were busy in watching IPL (!)

***         *** 
New Greetings:

May your happiness increase like Petrol Price,

May your sorrow fall like Indian Rupee, and

May your joy fill your heart like corruption in India…!!!
****             **** 

Congress is fulfilling its promise, when they said: GDP will rise this year.

The only thing we forgot to ask him its full form:

G= Gas & Gold

D= Diesel & Dollar

P= Petrol & Penny

****                ****        **

 Pleasure & Pain come at the same price: Rs.80/- for a Beer Bottle OR 1 Litre Petrol.

Decision is yours… झूम लो, या घूम लो.!!!
*****                  ****

 All Girls’ Dream come True!

All Girls’ Dream Boys will come on horse!
All thanks to the Petrol Price Hike!
****                  ***

 Dear Father-in-Law,

I deeply regret taking a Car in dowry.

Please take your Daughter or Car back…

I cannot afford both.

****                    ****

 Now Tata Nano’s fuel cost will be more than its EMI per month!

*****         **

Soon, Rupee will be SENIOR CITIZEN (above Rs.60 per US Dollar);

Petrol has already become VERY SENIOR CITIZEN in Bangalore (Rs.81 per litre) !!!

****             ****

 Finally it has happened…

After decades,

Beer is now cheaper than petrol !!!

Now, there will be new slogan: JUST DRINK; DON'T DRIVE !!!

****                   *****

 Expensive petrol will help solve the problem of traffic jams!

Drink and drive should not be a problem now.

After all, how many will be able to afford alcohol and petrol on the same day?

*****                   **

 We have the world’s cheapest car and the world’s costliest petrol. रिकॉर्ड बन गया!!!

***              ***

 Sign board at Petrol pump: Buy Petrol worth Rs. 20,000 and get a TATA nano absolutely free.

(scheme for आम आदमी  Now he can get car with petrol! )

****                  ***

 Good News!!!

Please forward this to MAXIMUM people you know, शायद किसी को काम आ जाए:

जिसको petrol Rs.17/- per litre चाहिए,

वो इस petrol pump से जा कर ले ले:

…  
 …

Al Safa Petroleum

Al Khair Road

Muscat, Oman

***                  **

 Man at Petrol Pump: Full tank कर दो...

Attendant: Sir, PAN Card की copy दो...

Man: What? Why? How?

Attendant: Sir, it’s a HIGH VALUE TRANSACTION !!!

***                 ***

 Petrol price hiked by Rs.7.50 per litre…

और करो संता-बंता के jokes!

देखा, सरदार का revenge..!!

***                   ***

 Harbhajan to Dhoni: हम तो जानबूझ के मैच हारे है... पता है की जीतनेवाली टीम को Volkswagon मिलने वाली है, और वो petrol की है...!!!

***               **

 Amitabh Bachchan has decided to take all his payments in Dollars…

Because……….

वो आज भी गिरे हुए पैसे नहीं उठाता...!!!

****                  ***

 Dharmendra’s new dialogue:

... kutte kaminey  main तेरी गड्डी का पेट्रोल पी जाऊंगा...
****               ** 

Beti: Mom, He is JUST A FRIEND!

Mom: हमने दुनिया देखि है, बेटी... 2 लीटर पेट्रोल जलाके घर आने वाला कभी JUST FRIEND नहीं होता...

****          **

 Petrol Pump Attendant: कितने का डालूँ?

Grahak: 50 ML गाडी पे स्प्रे कर दे भाई, आग लगानी है...
****               *** 

Dear Rupee,

तुम मेरे प्यार में इतना गिर जाओगे,

ये मैंने सपने में भी नहीं सोचा था...

~तुम्हारा Dollar

***                 ***

 रामचंद्र कहे गए सिया से, ऐसा कलयुग आएगा,

कार कैश पे लेगा हर कोई, पेट्रोल लोन से भरवाएगा...!!

Why on Foot?

God Decided To Encourage People To Have Fewer Children So Every One had

Adequate Of Everything On Earth To Enjoy..

So He Introduced An Award Scheme…

During The Procedure At One Point, He Concentrated On Learning About The

Situation In India .... He First Met Jawaharlal Nehru In Heaven, And Asked Him How Many Children He

Had During His Time On Earth.

Nehru Replied… Only One!
Happy With The Relatively Good Family Planning Adopted,

God Awarded Nehru With A Celestial Rolls Royce!
Indira Gandhi Was Next, And God Asked The Same Question.

She Replied She Had Two Children.

God Thought, Not Too Bad, So He Gave Her A BMW.

Dr. Radhakrishnan Was Next In Line.

God Was Not Pleased To Hear That He Had Six Children, And Gave Him A Morris-8

As A Kind Punishment…

Sometime Later.....

The Three (Nehru, Indira And Radhakrishnan) Going Around In

Their New Cars, Saw Mahatma Gandhi On Foot !!!
Wondering What Went Wrong...?

They Asked Why God Hadn't Been Merciful With Him…
The Mahatma Replied In Disgust, "God Did Not Even Ask Me !!!....
Some Idiots Had Told Him That I'm The Father Of The Nation !

****                           ****                     *****

In View Of The Current Situation In Pakistan ... 

 The " Pakistan  Zindabad" Slogan Has Been Changed To

" Pakistan Se Zinda Bhaag."

More Jokes  :

Blind Bunny can See More.

Hidden Camera.

China Wall

Rookies First Assignment.

Test for Intelligent People

Sonia Gandhi met with the Queen of England.

Sonia asked the Queen, "Your Majesty, now that I am also a Queen...
of the Gandhi-Nehru dynasty in India... Are there... any tips you can
give to me to stay in power?"

?"Well," said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."
Sonia frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me
are intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to
answer an intelligent riddle.
"The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "David Cameron - Please
come in here, would you?"
David walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David, your mother
and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your
sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me, ma'am."

"Yes! Very good. Dismissed!" said the Queen. Then she turned to Sonia
with a smile and said "See?".
Sonia went back to India and called Manmohan Singh and asked
"Manmohanji, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a
child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Manmohan. "Let me get back to you on that one..."
Manmohan went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give
him an answer.
Finally, he ran into Narendra Modi and asked, "Narendrabhai, can you
answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not
your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Narendra Modi answered, "That's easy, it's me!"

Manmohan smiled, and said, "Thanks!"
Then, he phoned Sonia. "Hello, I did some research and I have the
answer to that riddle. It's Narendra Modi!" Sonia got angry and shouted at Manmohan Singh,

"No! No! You idiot! It's David Cameron!"............ha ha.........
****                       *****                     ***

Jailer To Ajmal Kasab  :  You Are So Happy Today?
Kasab : I'm Not Indian, I Hate India, I Killed Indians But I'm Very Safe In India .
Journalist To Anna Hazare : You Are So Sad Today?
Anna :  I'm Indian, I Love My India And Indians, But Feel Unsafe...

I'm Not Sure When I Will Be Killed

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Santa in Court

Cured Well.

What is education? 

Honest Survey

Last Month A World-Wide Survey Was Conducted By The UN.
The Only Question Asked Was...

"Could You Please Give Your Honest Opinion About Solutions To The Food Shortage In The Rest Of The world ?"
The Survey Was A Massive Failure Because Of The Following:

 In The Indian Subcontinent They Didn't Know What  "Honest" Meant.

In Western Europe They Didn't Know What "Shotrage" Meant.

In Africa They Didn't Know What  "Food" Meant.

In China They Didn't Know What  "Opinion" Meant.

In The Middle East They Didn't Know What "Solution" meant.

In South America They Didn't Know What "Please" Meant.

In The USA They Didn't  Know What "The Rest Of The World" meant.

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology.

After one week, a test was held.

The professor passed out a sheet of paper divided into four squares. In each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird’s legs. No bodies,no feet, just legs.

The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs.

The student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute.

Finally, he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test paper on the teacher’s desk.

“This is the worst test I have ever given.”

The teacher looked up and said, “Young man, you have flunked the test. What’s your name?“

The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said, “You tell me”.

More Jokes :

 Banta in Army

Blond Ache.

Gujju Business Sense.

When Will Library Open ???

In the middle of the night, a librarian received a phone call.

"Excuse me, but what time does the library open?", the man on the phone asked.

"Err....  9 a.m. ...". replied the librarian groggily, quite annoyed."Have you called me at this hour just to ask this question ?".

"Yes.....  will it not open any time before 9?", the man asked hopefully,

"No, not until 9 ! what's the hurry to get in any way?", asked the librarian.

"Who said anything about getting in?", the man said,  Sighed sadly,"I want to get out."

***                    ****                   ***

The class teacher  walked up to Anwar  and said, "Anwar, you missed the school last Friday,"

"No, Ma'am  you are wrong, " replied Anwar seriously.

Taken aback by the answer, the teacher asked," Wrong ?  But you weren't in the class all day"

"Oh!, I was absent alright, but I certainly did not miss the  school" said Anwar happily.

***                 ****                   ***

One night the fire department received a call.

"How may I help you ?" a fire fighter asked the caller.

The caller replied, "Sir, I just mowed my lawn this morning and planted new flowers. There is also a lovely rose garden in my front yard"

"That's nice, " the fire fighter said, " but why are you telling me all this?"

"Well, " the man answered, "My neighbour's house is on fire and I don't want you to trample all over my front yard",

***                     ****

A  maths teacher was quizzing one of her students about the basics of time.

"How many seconds does a minute have?" asked the teacher.

"60 " replied the student.

"How many minutes does an hour have?"

"60 "

"Good, now tell me"  the teacher continued, " How many seconds does a year have ?"

"12 ," answered the student.

Puzzled, the teacher asked, "12 ?"

"Yes ," said the student confidently, " January 2nd , February 2nd, March 2nd ....."

****           ****
More Jokes :

Journey of thousand miles

Santa Singhji English Lecturer

Hidden Camera.

Blind Bunny can See More !!!

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. '

I  didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

 'That's perfectly all right,' replied the  snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault.

 I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

 'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit !'

 The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you ?'

 The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I ?'

 The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...

You must be a POLITICIAN'

More  Jokes  :   

Fasting Current Style..

How my PA lived for more than 107 years?

Cured Well.